Lots on my mind lately. I’ve been thinking about a few topics to write about here, but haven’t managed to gather my thoughts enough to actually, you know, sit down and write about them.

So before I decide on which topic to write about, I thought I would open up the comments to any questions you guys might have. Nothing is off limits (and I will do my best to answer any questions as openly and honestly as I can, unless of course, well you know, unless it is inappropriate).

So it’s your turn, anything you’ve been wondering? Anything I’ve touched on and you want me to expand on? Anything happening around the world you would like to hear me talk about?

I’m all ears!

I’ve been thinking a lot about how things were this time last year. Let me make it nice and simple,

“Not Good”

This time last year, everything was falling apart. I felt like my whole world was crumbling down around me, and no matter what I did, I couldn’t fix it. I couldn’t put the pieces back together.

This time last year, things were at their worst.

But I don’t think about this time last year very often, and when I do, I can smile, because I know how things are this time THIS YEAR.

This year, my family is whole.

This year, I can have a real honest conversation with my husband.

This year, life is good.

This year, I can’t stop smiling.

This year, is amazing.

I can’t help but look back, and realize just how far we have come in one short (or long, lol) year. I am so thankful every day that we didn’t give up, that we didn’t pack it in, that we didn’t quit. I’m so so very thankful that we stuck with it, that we did the hard work, made the tough choices, and that we SURVIVED.

I’m so thankful for everything I have right now. I know the western world is seeing an economy like we haven’t seen before. But you know what? I’m happy, because I have my family. Even if we lost everything, I would still be happy, because THINGS aren’t important to me, the only “things” that are important are East and Van.

Last year, mothers day was not a day that I was able to celebrate. Last year, mothers day was a day I’d like to forget.

But you know what? I’m not going to forget it, because remembering last year, reminds me of how GREAT this year is.

This year I will wake up on Mothers Day with a smile, because I have my most amazing son there smiling in his crib, and my most amazing husband there sleeping by my side. This year, I will celebrate the joy that Van has brought to our lives, this year, I will not only celebrate being a mother, I will celebrate being a FAMILY.

Dear East,

Happy Anniversary! I know this isn’t our wedding anniversary, but I think of this time of year as the anniversary of our fresh start. The anniversary of us laying everything down, talking it out, and starting with a fresh slate.

Not a day goes by that I am not overcome with gratitude for having Van in my life, and every time I think about how amazing he is, I think about you, because without you, there would be no him.

Thank you for coming home that day last year. That you for trying again, and thank you for putting in the hard work! Thank you for your honesty, and your companionship, and your support, and love. Thank you. Thank you for believing in us, and for believing in our family.

I was looking through pictures tonight, and I cannot stop smiling, I feel so blessed to have you and Van in my life. And I want you to know how grateful I am, that all those years ago I met you and we started on this crazy journey together. I can’t wait to see where the road leads us next.

East, I love you more today then I ever have before. I tomorrow when I wake up, I’m just taking a guess here, but I think I will love you even more. I can’t imagine what it will feel like to love you more though, because my heart is already so full of love for you and Van, I’m not sure there is any more room in there!

So Happy Anniversary Babe! Let’s make this next year even better!!

Love,
West

PS, don’t think this gets you off the hook for celebrating our real anniversary this Summer! lol

Reason number one:

When I woke up this morning, I realized it was 6:30am and not the usual 3am of the past week. Which means, one night down with no crazy dreams! Yeah for sleep!

Reason number two:

When I checked my e-mail/facebook this is the message I found from East:

“Thanks for being the best wife a guy could ever ask for and for being the best mom to Van. we both love you very much!! Also thanks for all the support with boxing. Love You Babe!!!”

 

After those two things, how could the day go wrong?

Feeling better since the last post, but still lots on my mind.

For now I’m off for a little cat nap, perhaps I’ll write more later.

I feel spent. I haven’t had a good nights sleep in a week, and the worst of it is, I only have myself to blame. I’ve been having these weird and crazy dreams (different every night) and can’t seem to get a good stretch of sleep in.

Plus, Van is transitioning out of his morning nap, so that makes it hard, and I’m getting busy at work, and keeping up with the house, and helping East with boxing. Don’t get me wrong, I love doing all those things, it’s just with the lack of sleep lately, it’s getting hard. Oh ya, and i have a job interview on Thursday and am trying to arrange child care, if it turns out this is a job that I want and or get.

And oh ya, my mom is getting a little “tough” again lately. I think she has either changed up her meds, or switched to new ones. I wish I had the energy to deal with it all.

I’m off for a quick rest. Van was tired this morning so I snuck him down for a little nap. Hopefully I didn’t just screw myself for the afternoon nap now~!

I count today, SUCCESSFUL!

It was hard around 10am when I really and I mean REALLY wanted a snack, but I was a good girl, and just made myself a cup of tea, (with no milk or sugar, which is something that I LOVE to have in my tea) and I was able to wait until lunch.

This afternoons work out got delayed due to impending work, but I still managed to only have one small and healthy snack around 3pm, which was an All.Bran bar, and yes, they really are that good.

Healthy supper (and lunch too!) and then cuddles with van before bed time. Then after he was in bed, I got my work out clothes on and worked out! My plan was to go a little longer, but I underestimated the lack of shape I was in, so I just listened to my body and stopped when I needed too. After all, I will still need to, you know MOVE tomorrow! lol

So day 1 in operation take better care of ME, successful. Hopefully I can keep the motivation to keep this up!

Ok, not so much now, but tomorrow!

Tomorrow I’m starting my New Years Resolution, the take better care of Me resolution.

The last few months I have really stopped taking care of me as much as I should have, I started snacking more, and exercising less (and by less I mean non-existent). So tomorrow it starts, I’m ready for the no snacking, the more exercising (which I’m planning on doing 3 times a week). Hopefully I am able to stick to this plan, I really want to, I really need to. It’s time to put Me first.

Starting tomorrow, cause tonight I’m enjoying my glass of wine.

I’ll let you know how I make out…

I can’t say I will be sad to see 2008 go. It was certainly a year I will never forget, certainly a year that changed me forever, certainly a year that I learned and grow and stretched until I didn’t think I could stretch anymore and then stretched again.
I was a year that I will be ever greatfull for, and a year hope to not ever repeat.

The lessons learned this year will stay with me, and I will continue to grow from them.

But man oh man, am I HAPPY to see this year go.

2009, welcome! Fresh start and a new history starting now. I hope we will do you proud!

Oh, and PS. East, I love you, and am SO HAPPY to be starting 2009 with you. This is the year our family begins again!

It’s Time, I’m ready, I wrote it out, and dropped it off this morning.

Dear R.
 I have no idea how to start this, so I’m just going to start and see where it goes. 

So much has happened over the last few years, and it’s taken me a long time to get my mind around everything. Throughout it all, I’ve been trying to be the best person I can be, and to try and learn and grow as a person. I’ve been thinking a lot about healing and moving on, and after all this time, I think I am finally ready to forgive you. This is something that I have to do for me, I have to let go of the anger and bitterness. You see there is so much love and happiness in my life right now, I need to let go of the bad stuff to make more room for the good.

I want to make it clear that by saying this, I am not saying what you did was ok, because it wasn’t. I lived through two very lonely years because of what you and East did. Although I had a smile on my face most of the time, on the inside I was hurting so bad I can’t begin to describe it. The impact that you had on my life is something that will never go away, you will always be a part of my story, a part of East and my’s story.  I wish that we could just erase all of that, but we can’t, it will always be there. The little piece of doubt in my mind will always be there; however, I am choosing to not let that dictate my life. I’m choosing to live my life to the fullest, and to make the most of each day. 

I want you to know that your actions in pretending to be my friend are probably one of the things that hurt me the most. I honestly cared about you and looked out for you. I stood up for you and defended you and your name when other questioned your motives or your integrity. I put myself on the line for you and not only did you make me regret that, you have made it very difficult for me to find friends now- friends that I can trust. 

You see, with East, the trust has returned because we’ve worked on it, we’ve done the hard stuff, we’ve talked, and we’ve cried and we’ve chosen to be together, even after everything that’s happened. But when I make new friends, I can’t ask them “to please come to counseling with me cause I have trust issues I need to work out before you are welcome in my home”. It’s been one of the hardest things for me to overcome. I am doing it, I am working on it, but it’s hard. 

You can no longer hurt me unless I let you. And today, in choosing to forgive you, I’m also saying you no longer have that power in my life. I’m laying down my hurt, I’m laying down my anger, and I am choosing to live again. 

My life is so blessed. I have a husband that loves me through all this disaster.  I know that we are not together because of a ring on our hands or because of a piece of paper we signed. I know that the only reason we are together is because we choose to be together. I don’t know what the future will hold. I do know that it won’t always be easy, but I also know that, in the end, everything will be ok. 

I have the most wonderful son whose smile lights up the room and whose laughter it is impossible to hear without laughing along with him. The joy he brings to me everyday is indescribable. I am deeply saddened for him, that in his short life so far, the first few months were not filled with the joy and the happy family that he deserved but I refuse to live in the past, and I vow that everyday I will make his days as happy and as wonderful as he deserves. He is truly a gift, and I know he will go on to do great things. He is absolutley amazing and when I see his eyes light up each time he learns something new, it gives me more joy then I can describe. No matter what my life brings, I know that because of him, I am a better person.

As I’m writing this letter there are tears in my eyes because the relief I feel in letting this go is amazing and the gratitude I feel for the state of my life now is even better. I don’t know where you are in your journey, but I hope one day your life is as full of happiness as mine is right now. I hope you never have to expereince the pain and sadness and loneliness that I felt. I hope you are able to find it within you to be happy with who YOU are.

You probably think I’m crazy that I’m writing this and giving this to you after all this time but in order for me to heal and to move forward with my life it was something I felt I had to do. Although I am forgiving you, I also want to make it clear that the boundaries we have set still remain the same.  I do not wish to have you be a part of my family’s life but I refuse to become a victim because of your and East’s actions.  I can truly offer you forgiveness but I can never forget what happened between us.  I simply wanted to let you know that I’m moving on so I can have the truly blessed life that awaits my son, my husband, and myself.

J.

Finally! Here are the pictures – white is the before, and the wood (alder) is after!