Although I am really excited to be blogging here in this new place, I’m still a little gun shy, so you will all have to bare with me as I get comfortable again. I’m not sure if I want to post pictures. No wait, I do want to post pictures, I’m just not sure that I’m ready to do that yet, so for those of you waiting for a new Friday Foto, one will come to your e-mail shortly!

So much has gone on lately, and there is so much going through my mind, but again, I’m stil just trying to get to the point that I feel safe to talk about it again. I know that none of my family or even friends I’ve met face to face know about this site, but still, it’s hard.

I feel torn in so many different directions, by so many different people and I don’t know which way to turn. Right now I’m just turning in, looking into myself and trying to find out what is best for me, best for my son, and best for my family, the three of us are my main priority right now.

I feel torn to where I want to be, I wonder if moving here was the right decision? Maybe it was the right decision at the time, but I am no longer sure that it is the right decision now. So what do I do? Do we stay, stick it out and try to make it work, or do we move, maybe back home, maybe somewhere completely different? I know right now I’m too emotional to make a decision about this, but I also know that I need to think about it, and talk about it, and look into our options. Because just burring my head in the sand and NOT thinking about, that in itself is making a decision, and I don’t want to just sit back and let life happen, I want to be in control (or as much as I can) of my life and where it goes from here.

Going back to work? My maternity leave is done in another month. The plan was for me to stay home and get paid through East’s work, but now that isn’t something I’m comfortable with anymore. I’m not looking forward to the phone call saying that I no longer accept that offer. I think I will make that call on Monday, might as well get that over with rather then sit and worry about it for another month.

So now what do I do for work? A friend of mine works from home as a part of a larger company, which is something that interests me, and I think I will look into that. As long as I can bring in what I’m bringing in now on Maternity leave, we should be fine. So what’s the harm in trying? At least if I try this, I will be able to be home with Van. If this doesn’t work out, then I will have to look around and see if there is some part time work available.

Work and moving are two topics that are intertwined though. Because I know that if I want a job in my field of Study (I have a BSc.) then I would have a better chance of that both back home, or really anywhere but here! lol Also, moving back home would allow me to be a substitute teacher, which is something I would really enjoy. Subbing would allow me to still have some time off with Van, but would give me an income. It would also allow me to have summer and Christmas vacation at the same time as him, so I don’t have to get a babysitter for him during those times. Back home would also allow me to go back to school and get the degree I wanted to get in the first place, but didn’t because of moving out here.

To be honest there are so many reasons to go, and very few to stay. But I want to wait and make sure that my reasons for going and reasons for staying are legitimate reasons and not ones made on the many emotions I’m feeling right now.

I’m just so sick of hurting. I have been hurt more then I can describe by so many people, and I don’t want to hurt anymore. I don’t know if moving would cause more hurt, or would moving cause less hurt or should the amount that I am hurting even factor into the equation?

See, torn.

My mind is going in so many different directions, I’m sure you can tell by the way this post is jumping around from place to place and thought to thought. Hopefully soon I will be able to settle in and things will start to level out and I will be able to figure out what to do. But now, I’m torn.