It’s Time, I’m ready, I wrote it out, and dropped it off this morning.

Dear R.
 I have no idea how to start this, so I’m just going to start and see where it goes. 

So much has happened over the last few years, and it’s taken me a long time to get my mind around everything. Throughout it all, I’ve been trying to be the best person I can be, and to try and learn and grow as a person. I’ve been thinking a lot about healing and moving on, and after all this time, I think I am finally ready to forgive you. This is something that I have to do for me, I have to let go of the anger and bitterness. You see there is so much love and happiness in my life right now, I need to let go of the bad stuff to make more room for the good.

I want to make it clear that by saying this, I am not saying what you did was ok, because it wasn’t. I lived through two very lonely years because of what you and East did. Although I had a smile on my face most of the time, on the inside I was hurting so bad I can’t begin to describe it. The impact that you had on my life is something that will never go away, you will always be a part of my story, a part of East and my’s story.  I wish that we could just erase all of that, but we can’t, it will always be there. The little piece of doubt in my mind will always be there; however, I am choosing to not let that dictate my life. I’m choosing to live my life to the fullest, and to make the most of each day. 

I want you to know that your actions in pretending to be my friend are probably one of the things that hurt me the most. I honestly cared about you and looked out for you. I stood up for you and defended you and your name when other questioned your motives or your integrity. I put myself on the line for you and not only did you make me regret that, you have made it very difficult for me to find friends now- friends that I can trust. 

You see, with East, the trust has returned because we’ve worked on it, we’ve done the hard stuff, we’ve talked, and we’ve cried and we’ve chosen to be together, even after everything that’s happened. But when I make new friends, I can’t ask them “to please come to counseling with me cause I have trust issues I need to work out before you are welcome in my home”. It’s been one of the hardest things for me to overcome. I am doing it, I am working on it, but it’s hard. 

You can no longer hurt me unless I let you. And today, in choosing to forgive you, I’m also saying you no longer have that power in my life. I’m laying down my hurt, I’m laying down my anger, and I am choosing to live again. 

My life is so blessed. I have a husband that loves me through all this disaster.  I know that we are not together because of a ring on our hands or because of a piece of paper we signed. I know that the only reason we are together is because we choose to be together. I don’t know what the future will hold. I do know that it won’t always be easy, but I also know that, in the end, everything will be ok. 

I have the most wonderful son whose smile lights up the room and whose laughter it is impossible to hear without laughing along with him. The joy he brings to me everyday is indescribable. I am deeply saddened for him, that in his short life so far, the first few months were not filled with the joy and the happy family that he deserved but I refuse to live in the past, and I vow that everyday I will make his days as happy and as wonderful as he deserves. He is truly a gift, and I know he will go on to do great things. He is absolutley amazing and when I see his eyes light up each time he learns something new, it gives me more joy then I can describe. No matter what my life brings, I know that because of him, I am a better person.

As I’m writing this letter there are tears in my eyes because the relief I feel in letting this go is amazing and the gratitude I feel for the state of my life now is even better. I don’t know where you are in your journey, but I hope one day your life is as full of happiness as mine is right now. I hope you never have to expereince the pain and sadness and loneliness that I felt. I hope you are able to find it within you to be happy with who YOU are.

You probably think I’m crazy that I’m writing this and giving this to you after all this time but in order for me to heal and to move forward with my life it was something I felt I had to do. Although I am forgiving you, I also want to make it clear that the boundaries we have set still remain the same.  I do not wish to have you be a part of my family’s life but I refuse to become a victim because of your and East’s actions.  I can truly offer you forgiveness but I can never forget what happened between us.  I simply wanted to let you know that I’m moving on so I can have the truly blessed life that awaits my son, my husband, and myself.

J.